You have a solid introduction. There is an overall flow to the essay, but I feel like it can be improved. Your CM is straight to the point and your CDs connect to the topic. Overall, you have a solid piece of writing here and with some adjustments it should be all good.:
Tiffany:
Ur voice and style should be altered to a more formal one as this is an essay we are writing. there are just a few things are out of place. I agree with Jasiu, you say this book is similar to other books you've read i'd like to see some examples, make some connections. I also suggest a better, more interesting hook. With some work on voice, and connections it should be fine.
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